


It Got Bad.

by LoveMeThatsAllIAskOfYou



Category: Shadowhunters (TV)
Genre: Emotional Hurt/Comfort, M/M, References to Depression, Suicidal Thoughts
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-09-11
Updated: 2017-09-11
Packaged: 2018-12-26 14:35:58
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,220
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12060993
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/LoveMeThatsAllIAskOfYou/pseuds/LoveMeThatsAllIAskOfYou
Summary: When Alec and Magnus return to the loft after leaving Hunter's Moon, Alec talks to Magnus about their time apart.





	It Got Bad.

Alec thought the walk back from the Hunter's Moon was pleasant. His stomach still knotted from their conversation in the alley. He should be relieved, but much still weighed on his mind. Magnus's hand squeezed his and Alec smiled. His hand was a lifeline. He never wanted Magnus to let go. When the door come into view Magnus dropped Alec's hand to open the door, which caused the younger man to frown. Magnus leaned in for a kiss before he gestured into the apartment. 

"Welcome back, Alexander." 

Alec stepped into the entryway after his boyfriend. The loft smelled like Magnus. This was the place where he felt safe, a place full of encouragement to grow. He was back in the place he wanted to call home. Alec couldn't believe he was allowed to grace these walls again. 

Alec knew their earlier conversation was far from over, but he wanted to soak in a moment of security. The scent of sandalwood. He paused as he surveyed the room; overwhelmed by the tightness in his chest. 

"Alexander, are you okay?" Magnus asked as he put a hand on Alec's arm. 

He heard the concern in Magnus' voice. The conversation wasn't supposed to happen yet. He thought he could ride the emotional high longer before he crashed. 

"Can we go to the balcony? I always feel at peace when we are out there." 

"Darling, we can do anything you want."

They walked in silence. Alec wasn't sure if he was ready for this. Nothing felt different, yet nothing felt the same. The furniture on the balcony was the same, but it felt empty. He was reminded of all the times they spent looking out over the city. He loved kissing Magnus under the stars. It was a guilty pleasure. Even if the light of the city shielded the stars, he knew they were there. While the world below never tired, his world stopped when the warlock's lips touched his. Their memories played like a movie in his head. A continuous loop of the good and the bad. 

Magnus reached for Alec's hand as he leaned against the railing. As Alec was pulled into Magnus' arms he heard him sigh, 

"I spent much of my time on this balcony when we were apart." 

Alec blurted out, "I know." 

He saw Magnus net his brow. Alec pointed to the tall structure across the street from Magnus' apartment building. 

"The nights we were fighting after I finished my missions. I sat on the roof of that building. While the others slept, I refused to let up on my stamina rune. I know you were upset with me. You felt betrayed and angry, but I still needed to protect you. Call it being selfish. With two warlock's that Jocelyn trusted killed because of Valentine and his twisted son, I couldn't allow you to be number three. Plus, the bed was lonely without you. I felt the walls were mocking me. I wanted the pain to stop." 

"Alexander..."

"I know, I'm sorry for invading your privacy. I... The first night, I didn't go there intending to. In fact, I'm not sure how I ended up there. I was running from my problems. Telling myself I was canvassing the area. One minute I was at the Institute, next I was looking down on the streets of New York from the roof of that building. I didn't know I could see your balcony until I looked up. You told me after Max's rune ceremony that if it ever got that bad to come to you, but I wasn't your responsibility anymore. All I knew was even if you were mad at me, you'd be upset if I killed myself. I went to that rooftop to make sure I wouldn't..."

Magnus held Alec tighter, "You can always come to me. No fight is worth your life. I should have..."

Alec cut him off, 

"I didn't tell you to make you feel guilty. I betrayed your trust and I understand. Believe me, Magnus, I understand your need to distance yourself from me. I bottled up my feelings for years before you came along. That didn't prepare me for watching you walk away. I refused to open up to anyone. That is a flaw I need to work on. You can't be here for me all the time. I had Izzy. She knew something was wrong, but she couldn't get me to talk. I'm still learning how to express my emotions." 

"Come on, let's sit down. I want to continue this, but more comfortably." 

Magnus pulled Alec towards the lounge chair in the corner of the balcony. He sat down and patted the space in between his legs for Alec to sit. Alec obliged, he leaned his back into Magnus' chest. Strong arms wrap around him and he felt Magnus kiss the top of his head. 

"Darling, thank you for being honest with me. I know how hard it is for you to talk about dark feelings. I forgot how new this is for you. Fear got the better of me. I'm sorry, I wasn't actively listening to you. When I confronted you, I wasn't your boyfriend, I was the High Warlock of Brooklyn. He isn't known for his patience."

Alec laughed," You don't have to apologize, Magnus. I understand. We are both leaders. Your position is as important as mine. I should have said something when we had dinner. I wasn't sure what to do. Sometimes I need time to process information. Fear also took over me." 

"Next time, if you need space to process, tell me. I'll respect it. That way I know something is coming. So, if I hear it from another, I'll know you weren't trying to deceive me. Can you do that?"

"Anything, Magnus. I'll do anything you want. Please...," Alec's voice cracked, "I meant it when I said I don't think I can live without you. I was sure that'd I have to..." 

Magnus held on to Alec tighter than ever before. The pressure felt good. Why did this feel right? 

"Squeeze harder, Magnus." Alec choked. 

"Shh, sweetheart, I have you now. I'm not letting go. Never will I let go of you again." Magnus soothed as he held Alec close. 

"I'm so sorry... Magnus.... I... How do I make the dark thoughts leave? I keep seeing betrayal on your face. I feel I'm always apologizing. Why do I keep messing this up? I'm disappointing people I love."

Magnus ran a hand through Alec's hair. 

"You are young, Alexander. If only you knew the mistakes, I made at your age."

"I'm so tired, Magnus." 

"I know, Darling. Close your eyes." 

"I love you. You are the best thing in my life." 

Magnus smiled down at his Shadowhunter.

"And I love you. More than you know." 

"I'm sorry."

Magnus brought a finger to Alec's lips. 

"No more apologies. No more words, Alexander. Let me hold you. I missed you too." 

As Magnus held Alec close, he knew they would be fine. Alec had unresolved issues tearing his self-esteem to shreds. They would work on that and on Magnus' insecurities. The two were an unstoppable team. He would love this man until he died, taking Magnus' heart with him. Until then, they would have the time of their lives.


End file.
